How to have a healthier relationship with your phone

It’s no secret that smartphone overuse and addiction is rising, especially in response to the pandemic. Unfortunately, just because we know something is bad for us, doesn’t mean we stop doing it, and just because we know something is good for us, like eating more vegetables or exercising, doesn’t mean we start doing it. 

That’s because we either lack the motivation to change or we don’t have the tools to implement behavior changes in a sustainable, lasting way. As a Health & Life Coach, I often see clients who want to feel greater fulfillment and connection to purpose and joy. One of the ways I help them accomplish this goal, is to look at their phone habits because more often than not, the device that we turn to for connection and stimulation, is ironically the thing that's making us feel disconnected. 

When your attention is constantly being diverted to your phone it prevents you from being fully present and engaged with the people and environment around you. There’s even a new term for this phenomenon—it’s called phubbing, which means snubbing someone you’re with in favor of your phone. It has a negative impact on relationship satisfaction, and can even affect overall life satisfaction and happiness. 

I wrote this article for those of you who are unhappy with how much time and brain space your phone takes up but don’t know how to start using it more mindfully. Below, I share six ways to shift your dynamic with your phone so that you can feel more fulfilled and connected to yourself and others. 

Get curious

Build awareness around your phone habits. Your phone will give you screen time statistics so face the facts and understand your baseline. How often are you picking up your phone? How much time are you spending on your phone? What apps are you engaging with the most? Start to notice every time you reach for your phone and ask yourself what the core motivator is. Why now? What unmet need might I have? Can I address this need in a different way? If you know your baseline you’ll be able to track improvement over time after implementing some of the tactics below. 

Let yourself be bored

Boredom allows your mind to wander and daydream, which fosters creativity and problem solving. There are many opportunities for boredom throughout the day that we try to escape using our phones, like standing in line at the grocery store, the five minutes between meetings, waiting for your coffee or tea to be ready, riding the bus or train, going to the bathroom, to name a few. If you reach for your phone every time you’re bored, you rely on the dopamine hit from your phone rather than allowing your mind to solve your boredom problems for you. Next time you feel an impulse to start scrolling in a moment of boredom, try to sit in the boredom and see what happens. I’ve found that I’ve become more observant of my environment and it lends me to notice little things that make me laugh, spark my interest, think of creative ideas, ponder big questions, and has overall helped me feel a deeper satisfaction with and joy in life’s everyday moments. 

Prioritize what’s most important to you

When you think about big life categories, such as relationships, family, friends, career, hobbies, health, etc. what’s most important to you? What are your intentions and goals in each of those areas? How does engaging with your phone fit into those categories and enable those goals? While a phone can be an enabler in some ways, more often than not, it’s a detractor and contributes very little to meeting life goals. Think about what role your relationship with your phone plays in truly enhancing your life, then adjust accordingly.

Turn off notifications and/or delete apps from the homescreen 

Notifications rob you of your ability to focus and remind you that there’s something to pay attention to. I recommend disabling all push notifications, except for what’s absolutely essential, like phone calls, messages, and calendar. If you need a stronger intervention then remove the non-essential, non-utility apps from the homescreen that demand too much of your attention. You can do this for a designated time period to start, like 30 days and reevaluate how you feel when those 30 days come around—do you need more time away or are you ready to engage again with clear boundaries? I’m not suggesting deleting your account but I am suggesting that removing apps from your phone makes your phone much less interesting. Like slot machines, smartphones evoke a sense of anticipation, eagerness, and unpredictable “reward” (a “like” on a photo, a flirty text, a DM, an email, a deal at your favorite shop, etc.). So, reducing the appeal by getting rid of those enticing apps will also reduce how often you find yourself reaching for the phone. Be honest with yourself about what is and is not essential. My essential apps for example are maps because I’m horrible at navigating my way around a city, messages, calls, clock, financial accounts, and password manager. Everything else is brain candy. 

Sleep with your phone in a different room. 

In any healthy relationship, time apart is necessary. That’s also true in the relationship you have with your phone. They make these helpful devices called alarm clocks that can wake you up so your phone doesn't have to—I highly recommend investing in one. I personally love my alarm clock that mimics the sun rise so I wake up to light instead of sound. If you bring your phone into the bedroom, you’re likely going to be scrolling before bed (cue: going to bed later than you had wanted to and trouble falling asleep) and scrolling first thing in the morning when you wake up (cue: running late and feeling stressed). Checking your phone first thing in the morning automatically takes you out of your own experience and into other people’s experiences before you’ve had a chance to tune into how you’re doing. Instead, try taking a few deep breaths, take inventory of your body, or take a moment of gratitude for something you value in your life before getting up. If you aren't ready to commit to sleeping without your phone, try sleeping with it across the room from you, out of arm's reach. Small, incremental improvements are still improvements and you can graduate to leaving it in a different room when you feel ready. 

Leave your phone at home

Phones give us a false sense of security and the truth is, we really don’t need it with us all the time. Bring your phone with you when you absolutely need it. You don’t need your phone to take a walk, go to dinner, or go to work. You don’t need your phone visible in the same room while you’re cooking, reading, watching TV, or hanging out with your family. Take inventory of all of the activities throughout your day that don’t require your phone and then do those activities without your phone near you. You’ll probably find that you’re going to be more engaged and present in whatever you’re doing. 

I hope this helps and reach out if you’d like to talk about the phone habits that you’d like to change—I’d love to hear from you. 

In good health,

Briana